I’ll never forget that my neighbor was the first kid I knew to get one…UNLV Runnin’ Rebels. The day he got on the bus with that thing, every kid’s jaw dropped. As for me, my mom wanted nothing to do with Starter jackets, as the stories of kids getting shot for them were running rampant, so I had to stick with a lame Columbia Bugaboo or something.

They were undeniably awesome jackets. In 1992. Let me say that again, once more with feeling. THEY WERE AWESOME JACKETS. IN 1992.

With the resurgence of everything retro, and the idea that EVERYTHING retro is once again in style, people got it into their heads that Starter jackets were cool again. (Not only that, but STARTER got into their heads that Starter was cool again. More on that later.)

So now, let me give you a recap of the resurgence of the Starter brand.

First off, about a year or two, hipster dingleberries dug out old school Starter jackets and started wearing them in bars/other places where fellow hipster dickholes hang out:

(What. A. Homo.)

Before I get to step two, I feel obligated to let the good people that read this blog know: Starter hadn’t gone out of business and then saw their stuff getting popular so they relaunched the brand. Not at all. Starter has been available at K-Mart for YEARS. (Whether this is still the case, I don’t know. Kinda doubtful.) However, much like hipster fuckfaces loving skunky-ass Pabst Blue Ribbon because drinking it is sooooo ironic, I assume a similar type of mindset exists with Starter.

Anywho, onward and upward. So obviously Starter sees the attention they’re getting from all the trend-setting hipster ass-spelunkers, and decides to see if they can capitalize on it. Cue personalized Starter jackets sent out to all the big streetwear names (see below, among others):

And my god did those hypebeast companies EAT THAT SHIT UP. “We’ve been co-signed by the classic Starter brand! We’ve reached the top! Smooth sailing from here on out!” Pictures were posted on every hypebeast/streetwear blog on the internet, and the buzz got even more deafening.

A week or two ago, “Starter Black Label” was unveiled on Digital Gravel. As of this posting, the vast majority of it is sold out (ahem…no pun intended). A few pics:

See that t-shirt? $37.00

Jacket in Miami Dolphins colors (but not licensed by the Dolphins in any way, shape, or form)? $165.00

So yes…Starter has relaunched as a Hypebeast McDunk, uber-exclusive streetwear brand. Except here’s the rub: the thing that made Starter jackets cool in the first place, the goddamn SPORTS TEAM NAMES AND LOGOS, are nowhere to be found. That thing above me is a polyester farce. Buying one of those is like buying that green and gold shersey Brett Favre wears in the Wrangler Jeans commercial. No ACTUAL connection to a sports team, but enough of one that it’s pretty obvious. It’s the exact same fucking thing. (Except 145 dollars less expensive.)

Most recently, colette put up the following jackets on their online store, which were “customized” by graffiti artist Claw Money. (I think “ruined” would work better in place of “customized”, but that’s just me.) As you browse the following pictures, keep in mind that each of one of these jackets is selling for just under $500 USD.

I mean…if you somehow get your hands on some vintage Starter jackets, why not let some hipster douche-nozzle wear it to the next fixed gear bike party? Why ruin it with weird lines and King Koopa shells?

Maybe I’m missing something here. Or maybe I’m just depressed because some guy named Jacques with a pencil-thin mustache and breath smelling of baguettes and frog legs is gonna be wandering the streets of Marseilles in a motherfucking Minnesota Vikings jacket.