I was scouring the internet last night in hopes of finding some way in which my beloved Minnesota Timberwolves were not going to suck this coming year. Turns out, not really gonna happen. But I did find a couple of very interesting things.

First, I found out that Mark Madsen is indeed still a professional basketball player.
Second, that the T’Pups are paying him $2,840,000 next year to gyrate and yell really loudly on the sidelines.

Well it turns out he is also the teams unofficial ambassador. Due to the recent findings that prized point guard Ricky Rubio is most likely going to stay in Spain for another year or two. The Mad Dog decided to take it upon himself to get Ricky here now, by penning him a letter in his native tongue.

You know I don’t speak Spanish.

Anyways, I like to think that it reads something like this:

Salutations Richard,

My name is Mad Dog Madsen. I play for the Minnesota Timberwolves. I would like it very much if you would come play with us next year for a number of reasons. To begin with, it is the last year of my contract and I don’t have time for you to wait over in Europe (lord knows I won’t get an extension LOL!!!!). In addition to that, I’m already the outcast of the team and it would be neat if there was a really young kid who didn’t speak english so that I would feel more comfortable around the rest of the gang. Anyways if you do come I will teach you some sick dance moves.

Love, Mr. Dog

I guess you have a lot of time to learn spanish when you dont have to worry about playing or anything.

Needless to say I think this is gonna do it. How could ricky turn that down.

For your viewing pleasure:

For those of you who haven’t seen Battlefield Earth (i’m sure theres only a few). It is a movie based upon the novel written by L. Ron Hubbard. For those of you who don’t know Mr. Hubbard, he is the founder of Scientology.

While admittedly I don’t know anything about Scientology other then Tom Cruise and John Travolta (the original JT) are Scientologists. In my mind this would be a red flag if I were considering converting. Do you really want to be worshiping the teachings of a man who writes Science-Fiction novels in his free time? I personally have never thought that I wanted George Lucas to be my moral compass, and the Star Wars movies were actually successful.

While this film actually is not about Scientology, at least they were able to pull together a star-studded cast; Whitaker, Pepper, Travolta to put together a movie hailed as, “one of the worst movies ever made.”

Furthermore, it also helps to show ho much ground Scientology has to make up on Christianity because Mel Gibson and The Passion of the Christ killed it at the Box-Office.

****If any of our avid Scientologist readers would like to straighten me out, please feel free to do so. I accept whatever spell you are going to put on me.

Oh sweet Jesus. Where do I begin. Now, this is a very old movie but I imagine most have not seen it. So I am taking it upon myself to spread it (much like crabs). I have spent numerous nights wondering how in the world Percy “Master P” Miller ever fell off. After seeing this, I’m even more confused. It looks like the Godfather of its time.

Since my head is still spinning and I can’t put together coherent thoughts I’m just gonna give you some of my favorite insights (I’m not giving time to ensure you watch the whole thing).

*If he is trying to win a championship, why does he let his team wear backwards hats during practice?

*”It’s my world, you aint nothin but a squirrel” -I gotta remember that one.

*His Tony Montana accent. Oscar worthy in my opinion.

*The stereotypical everyone points their guns at everyone else. CHECK.

*Master P must really hate birthdays.

*And Marshmallows.

*”You took my sweet chocolate tiger.” Perhaps the greatest delivery of the greatest line in cinematic history.

Also, Snoop and Silkk make cameos. So go buy the DVD.

Finally, between this and his new Snickers Campaign. There truly is No Limit to the things Percy Miller can do.

Also, people like to talk about how Kobe “changed” and became a team player. I call Bullshit, just because he passes a little more doesn’t mean he is a good teammate. If you don’t believe me watch Kobe Doin Work and notice all of the forced, uncomfortable laughter amongst the teammates. Then tell me he is friends with those guys.

Lastly, this championship does not make him better than Lebron, they are still 1a and 1b. Now don’t give me that “HE”S GOT MORE RINGS!!!!” nonsense, because if your that dumb to believe that I offer you a simple mathematical equation:

Adam Morrison (1 Ring) < Chuck Barkley (0 Rings)

Anyway Kobe is real good. But the real purpose for this post is to discuss the “scowl” as we’ll call it. What the hell is that? I understand that you really want to win but do you have to invent a face to prove it? Notice I use the word invent because that’s what he did. We haven’t seen him make that face at any point in his 10+ years in the league. So I am proposing guaranteeing that he spent numerous hours in front of the mirror in order to perfect this pose, so that the rest of us really know what he is feeling. However, it didn’t come until a light bulb came on and Mr. Bryant thinks to himself, “What would that retarded guy from Sling Blade look like if he was really mad?” and voila the scowl is born.

Oh how could I forget, congratulations to Josh Powell too, you earned it buddy.

Ok now that that’s over it was a very interesting weekend in the world of sport. So let’s do a video recap:

The saddest thing of the weekend news is that Steph Curry will most likely not be participating in this years tournament. They lost in the semis of their conference tournament, wait let me rephrase that; HE lost in his semis this weekend.

It is a sad day because we will no longer get to see the little dude dominate. While you can argue all you want about his pro potential, he won’t be able to do what he did in college. But I don’t care. That kid is magical. Much love, Steph.

oh dear lord. What in the hell could the Buffalo Bills be thinking. If I were an NFL GM (which i should be) I would stop and think, “Hey, T.O. is a piece of shit. I don’t want him.” Then i would sign Pacman. That dude knows how to fuckin party.

Oh and stop talking about God T.O., I’m pretty sure he (or she) doesn’t like scumbags.

Lastly,

Boo hoo Goober. I don’t like you.

Q:     How can one hate on Psycho-t?

A:     Hes a fucking goober. Eight rebounds a game? That’s weak. I average that in intramurals and I’m not 6′ 8′.

In other news. Sidney “Round Mound of the Mound”Ponson showed the Dominicans what’s up.

Stay tuned for the best NCAA preview you’ve ever seen.

As a lifelong sports fan I think I sometimes take for granted all the professional sports bring into my life. While I always appreciate what they do while they are playing. HOLY SHIT!!! DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT MARK MADSEN DID?!?! I often times neglect what they do for me off the field.

With that being said, here are a few of athletes quotes that have brought great joy in my life. Some are funny, some are puzzling, and some allow you to know that these people have picked the right profession.

Let’s get it:

Baseball player Mike Cameron:

“The sun has been there for 500, 600 years.”

This one is ridiculous, everyone knows the sun just had its thousandth birthday.

Baseball Player Carl Everett:

“The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.  You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve.  No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.”

Well I guess that makes sense.

Antoine Walker asked why he shoots so many three’s:

“Because there are no fours.”

Antoine Walker keeps it real.

Pitcher Tito Puentes:

“They shouldn’t throw at me.  I’m the father of five or six kids.”

When Gary Payton was asked the same question he responded, “I’m the father of a dozen or so kids”

Pitcher Tug McGraw asked whether he likes grass or astroturf better:

“I dunno.  I never smoked any Astroturf.”

Yup. That’s about right.

Edgerrin James about buying his new lambo with cash:

“Hey, Urb wanted to know if I rented! I only rent tents and bouncehouses.”

If I were an aging running back who won’t ever get another contract and I wanted to celebrate going to the Super Bowl this is how I would do it to.

Now on to my personal favorites.

Randy Moss:

“It ain’t nothing but 10 grand. What’s 10 grand to me? It ain’t shit. Next time I might shake my dick.”

I love that quote. Although I wish he would shake his dick at some grimy ass Packer fans.

Last but certainly not least:

Channing Crowder talking about playing in London:

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” he said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Take some time to take all that in and break it down. Do you fully realize how amazing that is? I’ve read that quote about 100 times and I still can’t fully comprehend it. Channing Crowder is wise.

 If you aren’t a regular viewer of the Golf Channel (if there is such a thing), they have a show called the “Haney Project” in which supposedly the world’s best swing coach fixes the worlds worst golf swings. Normally I would not give a shit about this. However, they have recently signed up Chuck-B for the show:

This is going to be very, very good. I think the only thing involving golf I would rather watch was a drinking contest between Barkley and John Daly.

How is someone that athletic gonna have that broke of a swing. He makes 70-year old women golfers look like Vijay Singh. Anyways, the other interesting news is that this coincides with his forthcoming jail time over his DUI arrest. Let’s hope he avoids the hole in there like he does on the golf course.  (see what i did there?)

I know you’re angry. I’m angry too.

So for those of you who don’t know. International basketball sensation Marko Jaric recently married on Adriana Lima on Valentine’s day (real creative Marko). For those of you who don’t know Marko (you shouldn’t), he has had a very special NBA career. So special in fact that Super GM Kevin McHale gave up some first round picks and Sam Cassell for him a couple of years ago. The only good thing to come of this is I now have a reason to post this video:

R.I.P. Eddie Griffin.

I don’t know what’s worse. That such a poor ball player could land her, or that a guy who looks like a cartoon character could land her.

To conclude, this should give everyman hope. Hell, I put my clothes on backwards all the time and I’m not good at basketball, so watch out Meghan Fox, I’m comin for ya.

Elvis Freshley out.

enjoy.

Now I’m not exactly sure how to follow that up but Im excited because Nic churns out hits.

Honestly, my first thought when this came out was that they spliced The Number 23 and National Treasure to form some super movie. Holy shit I can’t believed I just admitted to seeing both of those. But anyways, I recommend that you bring a girlfriend because Nic will get her excited and the explosions will bring her closer to you. You can thank me later.

A couple of other notes:

*End-of-the-World movies should officially be a genre.  (This, The Day the Earth Stood Still, That One With Mark Wahlberg all in one year)

*Keanu and Cage need to do a movie together in a movie where they are sucessful businessman and a homeless person (you pick who is whom)  who come to find out that aliens have planted a bomb on a bus and the only way they can save the world is through teamwork.

*Nic Cage needs a different hairstyle.

That is all.